The Chu Forums

so i'm dealing with a couple who is in the process of a sticky divorce, and through it all, i keep hearing this "happiness" talk. i'm not happy with this, or i'm not happy with this. i'd be happier with someone else or we can't be happy together.

all this reference to happiness leads me to believe that these two don't really know what happiness is.

and that got me thinking, does ANYONE in our modern western society know what happiness is? or do we just gather what we know of a "perfect" life by comparing ourselves to others and perhaps what we see in movies and such? is happiness just an emotion? a feeling? or is it a state of mind?

can true happiness be ever attained? if so, what would that look like?

these are just some of the thoughts rolling around in my head. and as i keep thinking about them, the more disturbed i get about how our world's view of happiness is so skewed and seemingly selfish. no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

i probably should have just posted this in a blog or something. however, i don't really use one anymore haha.

there was a report on what ppl consider happiness is released not so long ago. It wasn't just one thing, but a bunch of items.

Sounds like expectations of each other weren't being met. They were either not aware of these expectations, did not communicate the properly earlier on in the relationship or expectations have changed and they're just not willing to make compromises.

To me its really a state of mind culminating from a combination of things. A foreveralone could be super happy just having a girl around his place, doesnt even need coitus. Nagging may make him happy knowing that a person actually cares about him enough to nag at him. Rich person could be happy at a cheap homemade inexpensive gift, he has lots of money and can buy anything he wants. He cant buy time and effort from someone who cares.

I find the most rewarding and permanent way to keep myself happy is to change my perspective on things. Obviously its alot harder when working with 2 people in a relationship..... since their actions directly affect your state of mind. You'll constantly have to change your perspective to meet their needs and their perspective.

I'm a naturally happy person so lets flip it around and talk about what makes a person NOT happy. Expectations are probably the number 1 thing that kills my happiness. Its a viscious cycle, people are happy trying to obtain a goal, they reach it and they're happy for a bit but then they lose it because now their happiness/goal is done. Then they aim higher till eventually you start failing to meet expectations. Failing to meet expectations of yourself or others, or others failing to meet your expectations.

Check out these videos
http://www.ted.com/talks/tags/happiness

Two things that stuck with me from those videos were the points on:
-Low expectations will bring you more happiness
-Synthetic happiness is just as good as Actual happiness



I've also read this self helpish book on owning your own happiness. Pretty much goes over four points.
-Be honest about everything
-Dont make assumptions
-Dont take things personal
-Do your best

Its a little bit on the hokus pokus 'spiritual' side, but it teaches you to accept yourself, be confident in yourself and be a little selfish. I found the 'dont make assumptions' and 'dont take things personal' to be helpful.


In the end, I think people will be happiest when not thinking about happiness.

I'm gonna ramble on for a bit 'cause I'm bored.

Are you happy with your long distance provider?

Is anybody ever happy with their long distance provider??

To me happiness is being content. When the pros outweigh the cons. Good is good enough. What's the point of having something great, when all you need is good? We need to stop thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. Our own grass would be a lot greener if we just watered it once in a while.

I don't need the fastest laptop ever designed. Mine does all I need it to. Who am I trying to impress?

We all have minimum standards. When those standards are met, we're happy. Would we be happier if those standards were exceeded? Probably not... at least not in the long run. Good is good enough... and it's not about 'settling'.

Running makes me happy. It's not perfect, but it's good enough. Would I be even happier if I qualified for Boston? You bet! ... at least for a while, but if my happiness with running was based on me qualifying for Boston, then it really isn't the running that makes me happy.

of course happiness will look different for everyone, but i think the main thing is that we cannot expect others to make us happy. our happiness relies on ourselves.

so what does that mean?

i'd say that the whole expectation thing should be limited to expect only to not be disappointed when your expectations aren't met. who cares if your spouse isn't super hot runway model? who cares if your car isn't super hot exotic? who cares if your job doesn't pay you what you expect to make?

really, i think we base our happiness on too many external things that we don't have control over. so we try to control them, so then we can be happy. but i don't think it works that way. the only thing we can change and control is ourselves and our reactions to the outside stimuli. something bumming you out? find out why that's so and do something about it. either realise that it happens and move on or change your reaction to it.

to loosely quote two quotes i recently came across:
"it's not what happens to you that matters, it's what you do with it that counts"
and
"don't cry when the sun goes down, or your tears may block the view of the beautiful stars."

truth.